fantasies

in just 3 days, i will look like this again...right???

okay, maybe not...but a girl can dream, right?!?!

so ready

there have been so many days during this pregnancy where i have been scared out of my mind...so much so that i couldn't even look at the nursery. there have been times where i almost just shut the door to block it off.

i've been worried about how i will react to having two children. how will i be able to love two children equally? how will i be able to show my first born that he will always be my baby? how will i make him feel like he is as special to me as he has always been? how will he feel when he goes back to school and momma is staying at home with his brother? will i be neglecting a newborn in trying to reassure him? will my husband feel like he's been left in the background when i'm trying to give all this attention to my two babies? how will i show him he is as special to me as he has always been? how will i be? will i get depressed? how will i handle going back to work after four weeks?

so many questions arise.

i know we serve a God who is so faithful and will provide an answer to each question. things will be okay.

diligence.

it will take diligence.

diligence in prayer, in reading the word, in seeking Him.

everything will fall into place.

when i started this post, i put the title on first..."so ready"...and as i started typing the emotions started flowing. the readiness has turned into anxiousness and fear.

but i'm not letting it take me over.

i am ready.

i am ready to hold my baby boy in my arms for the first time. i am ready to show him to his big brother. i am ready to have my little family of boys.

i am ready!

(i might need a little help though. please don't be strangers!)

progress

maybe not.

i'm dilated to a 2...a 2! she hasn't checked me in like 3 weeks, so there's no telling how long i've been this way.

it looks like wednesday will be the day.

we'll go in at 6 a.m. they'll start the pitocin and the doc will come around 9 a.m. to break my water.

we'll be at shannon. feel free to come visit.

i'm hoping that i fall into one of those categories where the second labor is half as long as the first. that would mean about 3-4 hours and we could have a baby.

maybe just wishful thinking.

anyway, we have quite a few things to get done over the weekend. my parents will be in on tuesday.

6 days, people! 6 days!

utter exhaustion

that's all i can say about today.

i don't know what it is, but i have no idea how i ever made it through this work day.

i'm going home now.

what to do

we had these letters in jacob's old room. we painted them to match his room now and put them on the outside of the door. i bought letters for casen to do the same thing.

we got them from different places and they only had capital letters for casen.

the dilemma...should i keep casen's on the outside of his room or over the crib like the next picture?

this almost seems too bare for me. i was thinking of attaching ribbon, but i didn't want it to get frilly.

what do you think??

after he's born, i want to get pictures and do something like this on one wall. i'm not sure if i want it over the crib or over the changing table. this could help in the decision making with the letters.

here's what happens...

when a pregnant woman with a sweet tooth goes to wal mart without a list.

these are brownie bites...and yes, i already made them...like 5 minutes after i got home.


i made the mistake of going down the valentine's aisle.


at least i got one healthy thing. of course, i'm not sure it's still considered healthy if you eat the entire jar at once?!?!

sneaky boy

this is what i found after i got out of the shower the other day.

he is absolutely fascinated with the computer. in fact, he now likes to watch movies on it. he brings in his little couch and sits on the floor. it is kinda nice to have our tv free every once in a while.

casen's room

here are a few pics of casen's room. the paint is done and the furniture is in place. now, i just have to figure out what to put on the top half of the walls. i'll probably fill it with some pictures once he gets here. other than that, i'm at a loss.

something to make you smile...

stuff

so, many of you know from seeing me last night that i didn't get to go to the funeral. the doctor said no traveling. i'm bummed and relieved at the same time.

i don't do well with funerals, but i so, so, so wanted to be there for my daddy! it just breaks my heart thinking of him and his pain right now. i wanted to be there with him, to comfort him. hopefully my prayers have reached him.

i talked to my sister earlier. she said it was actually snowing there this morning before the funeral! crazy. she said my dad looked so nice in his suit and tie. if you've ever seen him, you know he's a jeans kinda guy. i would've loved to be there to see him.

i guess i'll have to just settle seeing him in less than two weeks when my baby boy is born.

that's right. we're inducing on january 30. i decided it was worth the money and the time to have him in my arms a couple of days earlier.

we go in at 6:00 that morning.

i can't believe it's already here.

i am a little more prepared though. i still have a to do list, but it's not as dramatic as it was before.

we have daycare lined up...thanks, sarah!

the nursery is painted and ready to go.

i still haven't packed a bag. i'm planning on tying up all the rest of the loose ends this weekend.

by the way, we have a 3-day weekend!! so needed!

i realize this is a hodge podge of things from sad to happy, but with the rarity that it is of me actually having the time or energy to sit in front of my computer, i figured i better get it all in.

not a happy post

there's no easy way to post things like this so i'll just jump right into it.

my pop passed away today...my dad's dad.

he's been battling cancer for a few months now. they found it in his bones, but it had already progressed so far that there wasn't much they could do.

he was in his early 80's. chemo wasn't really an option. he just wasn't strong enough for it.

he was in alot of pain and as hard as it is, this was definitely the best thing.

my granny is in the hospital right now also. they were in there together. she's having trouble with her blood pressure and her heart is apparently only working at 30% capacity or something. i think alot of it is from the stress of the whole situation.

she is a very strong woman, though. she's defeated a stroke, breast cancer, and heart surgery.

they live about a mile from my parents. my dad graduated from college and moved back to avoca to be close to them after she had her stroke. he never left. he's always been right down the road from them. my pop and him have farmed together ever since. now it will all be on my dad.

the funeral will probably be on thursday. i go back to the doctor on wednesday. hopefully she'll give me the okay to go...even though my granny will have a fit. she's already given me "orders" to stay home. i would just really like to be there for my dad, most of all.

i know my pop is in a better place. i just pray for peace for my family.

almost there...

i can't even believe i'm doing this. i had decided to take my last picture with a shirt covering my belly, but then it just wasn't the same. you couldn't get the full effect. so, here it is, in all its glory.

last month compared to this month. will it ever end?!?!


i went to the doctor yesterday. again, she didn't check to see if i was dilated any more because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. she's not going to do anything at this point. if i go into labor, i just go into labor.

i asked her if he was head down and how big she thought he was because it feels like he has no room to move. i was getting worried that i might be having a large baby.

she felt around and said he is head down and she's estimating 6 to 6 1/2 pounds right now.

she asked if i wanted to be induced this time if it came to that.

uh....yes! i'm definitely not waiting for him to make up his mind!

the earliest she will induce is january 30.

that's less than 3 weeks!!

i'm happy, anxious, sad, scared, and ready all at the same time. is that possible??

the most unfortunate thing is we have look at the money aspect of this. if i have him in january, it will affect our february paycheck. if i have him in february, we won't get hit until march.

sad, i know.

i go back to the doctor on wednesday. i'm going to ask then if she will induce on friday, february 1. if she will, we'll have a new baby boy then. if not, i don't know what we'll do. again, i'm scared and ready at the same time. at this moment, the scared part is winning!

i'll update you again on wednesday if nothing happens before then.

and by the way, you people are so wonderful and generous!

seph, meems, team-d...thanks so much! oh, and kj, too! =)

seph, i'll be talking with you soon!

desperation

you'd think having done this before i would be more prepared. especially for things like DAYCARE after i return to work.

completely not the case.

i'm looking for a very small daycare for casen. jacob was in a home with about 5 other kids and was taken care of by one person. i want the same for casen. unfortunately, i believe she's filled the spot she had open. completely understandable.

does anybody know of any good individuals?? it will probably only be from mid-march to the end of may. he'll stay home with me during the summer and then go to our old daycare when school starts back up.

ideas????

yes...

he's still in there!

this has been the longest week in history. going back to work after being at home for a month doing nothing has been quite the transition. i'm now on my feet for about 7+ hours a day. by the time i get home, i'm so exhausted! there are so many things to do and i don't have the energy to do any of them.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow. maybe she'll say i'm dilated to like a 3 and i need to go to the hospital! wishful thinking. i'm sure i'm still the same old 1.

i'll try to update what she says tomorrow along with an 8-month picture. i've taken it, i just don't have the energy to get my camera, insert the memory card into the computer, crop it, compare to the others, and post about it.

until then, just picture a pear (my body shape) with a basketball attached to the front!

back in the saddle again...

you must sing that title to get the full effect.

i went back to work yesterday. i had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning. she didn't even check to see if i was dilated anymore because nothing had changed with me otherwise.

i'm still having contractions. she said it's just something i'm obviously going to have.

i got the clear to go back to work. i might work for a couple of days or i might work for a month. who knows.

the magic date is february 6. hopefully she won't let...er...make me go past that day.

after my first day back, which was just staff development stuff sitting in a chair the majority of the day, i was really exhausted when i got home.

i was having some weird pains and have been having the same today, but nothing worth calling the doc over.

monday, i start back full swing. i'll be on my feet for at least 8 hours. i can tell you now, monday night will be pizza night...or nothing at all, possibly.

that's all i got for now because i am once again exhausted!

4 years ago today...

my life was changed forever.

it was on this day finishing out 2003 that my husband asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.

of course, i knew way before then that i would most definitely be spending forever with him. we professed our love for each other about 2 weeks into our relationship.

i remember the first time i saw him. i was walking to class at asu and saw him in passing. i turned around to take a second look. i remember going home and telling kylah that i saw the most gorgeous boy i had ever seen. this was definitely different because i even noticed his eye color. if you know me, you know that's not what i look for. i usually notice a smile...but not this one. of course, how could you not notice those eyes?

it wasn't until the next semester that i saw him again. we were majoring in the same thing and started college at the same time, yet never met until the end of our junior year. of course, he was engaged at the time. i DID NOT pursue him. i accepted that he was engaged and forgot about him.

okay, that's not exactly what happened. it ended up that we had like every class together that semester. how could i forget him?

we talked quite a bit at school. we had a class together that summer. he slept almost every day and still made an A. i, on the other hand, made a B. how do i know this? because i called him, okay!! i called to see what he made in class. he's the one who asked for my number "just in case" he needed to get in touch with me.

it didn't take much for him to realize the one he was with was not...well...the one he should be with...er...me. so, he broke it off and we started dating the next day.

5 months later we were engaged, and 5 months after that we were married.

that brings us to today.

my love,
we have definitely not had a boring 4 years together. you make everyday fun and interesting. you always know how to put a smile on my face. we are now expecting our 2nd son and i can't wait for him to meet his daddy. you are the best friend, husband and dad to our children that i could ever ask for. i waited so impatiently for this day 4 years ago. i couldn't wait to begin forever with you. i love you more than any words can say. you are my partner and my best friend. i can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.
i love you!

christmas

santa definitely came through for my little boy...put a big smile on his cute little face.

jacob woke up really early christmas morning to come to our bed...like i said he would. finally around 7:30 i couldn't take it anymore. i had to get up. i just couldn't wait!

i went in by the tree and got the camera ready while jerry woke jacob up. he walked into the living room we had already put up santa's cookie plate.

jacob said, "santa ate all my cookies...and he took my plate!" so cute.

he proceeded to walk up to the tree and there it was...nighttime rescue buzz lightyear...standing there in all his glory. jacob stopped...looked at me...looked at buzz...gave me the cheesiest smile...hesitantly walked over and picked him up. he didn't want to let him go...until we told him he could open up his presents, of course.

it was just so much fun this year. he enjoyed opening every package and seeing what was inside. just to see his eyes light up was the best christmas present i could've asked for.

my parents came in a little later and brought his john deere front loader. he was quite excited about that also.

here's a few pictures from the day. of course, i'm always the one taking the pictures. my boys are going to look back at pictures when they're older and wonder if they even had a mom! =)

leaving cookies for santa


the infamous buzz


so happy


amazement


teenage mutant ninja turtle...turtle power!


there's that cheesy smile...almost looks evil.


a rare picture of me and my boy


spoiled brat...you think he likes cars?


little farmboy...boots and all


who's having more fun here...jacob or daddy?

never ending

once again, here i sit on sunday morning at home while my boys are at church. i really thought after this week, i'd be able to do whatever i wanted.

wrong.

thursday, the doctor told me i could do whatever i wanted after 36 weeks! what happened to 34??

so as it stands now, i'm stuck at home for another 2 1/2 weeks. i was supposed to go back to work on january 3rd. now i go back to the doctor on january 3rd. i guess we'll find out then when i can actually go back to work. i'm going to try my best to convince her i'll be fine to return on the 7th. that's the first day the kids are back. i really need to be there.

for now, i'll remain at home...except for tomorrow night. i'll be at the christmas eve service. i won't miss it!

i miss all you guys so much. i miss seeing my friends.

tomorrow...i'll see you tomorrow!

i can't wait...

for christmas morning.

i can't wait for my little boy to wake up, walk into the living room and see his nighttime rescue buzz lightyear that santa brought him standing in front of the tree with a big red bow on it.

what will probably happen is he'll wake up really early, like 5ish and come to our bed. this would be wonderful because then i could have my camera out to capture the moment he sees it.

i can't wait to see the look on his face.

it's been so fun this year because he's at the age where he knows what he wants. he's been asking for this buzz for a long time!

i just can't wait!

there's nothing like seeing a smile on your child's face and knowing you put it there.

of course, then my parents are coming later and bringing him a giant motorized john deere front loader! buzz will be thrown in the background. but i don't care. that one moment of joy will make it all worth it!

did i mention i can't wait?!?!

i can't even think of words to sum this up.

is it bad that i am so incredibly not prepared for a newborn?

i mean, in reality, he could come ANYTIME. granted, nothing has changed from the last doctor's visit...unless of course, you consider that my contractions are becoming a little more painful and i'm feeling a small sense of pressure down there. i really don't think it's anything to worry about...it's just different than what i've been feeling.

maybe it's just my imagination...yes, imagination.

i'm going to go back to work on january 3 and work until february 5 because i will be induced on february 6. i will then return to work on march 10...yes, march 10. that's 4 weeks. 4WEEKS! this is ludicrous.

oh, and on the point of not being prepared...we do have the essentials, crib, car seat, stroller, some clothes and blankets, but the nursery is not yet painted, i have nowhere to put those clothes that we do have, those clothes need to be washed because they've been in storage, i don't even want to think about how many more diapers we need besides the 2 small packages we have, i need to get a bath tub, i need to actually buy new clothes for the little guy, other than the one lone shirt we have hanging in the closet...how sad is that? i'm 7 1/2 months pregnant and have bought one stinkin' shirt!!

and the kicker...we thought we had daycare lined up for casen. ha! she called the other day and said that she had 3 people call her in one week needing a place and wanted to know if we wanted her to hold our spot. she's family, and this is where jacob went. she was just holding the spot as a favor. of course, we don't want her to be put in any kind of financial burden, so we told her to just do what she needed to do. so now, on top of everything else, i have to search for a suitable place for my baby to stay. i have a real problem with sending him to a large daycare. i really like the idea of having him in a home somewhere...with just a few other kids. the same goes for jacob. right now, he's in a quaint little daycare with not too many kids and he loves it. plus, it's hard to just leave your child with a stranger.

i shouldn't have even begun this post. i think i had all this pushed in the back of my mind where it couldn't come out and once i started typing, it's like the flood gates were opened!

we have been so incredibly blessed lately. we've have WONDERFUL people bringing us meals, we've had unexpected money come in which takes some of the stress off, casen is staying in for now and i know God will keep it that way until He is ready for him to come out, and i feel like things have somewhat smoothed over with my boss. he acted better when i saw him yesterday, trying to convince me to not worry about school right now.

there's just so much to do and knowing that casen could come anytime is so overwhelming. i don't even know where to begin.