Sunday, June 10, 2007

influx of emotions

okay, so i'm a woman in the early stages of pregnancy (not sure how early)...i'm emotional...that's a given.

but it's just getting ridiculous.

one day i am so excited that i have another baby growing inside of me and i can't wait to see him or her.

the next day, i'm scared out of my mind at having another baby.

i'm scared of how jacob will react. will he feel neglected? will he still feel loved? will he be jealous? will he understand?

and my husband...we already barely have time together. what will it be like when we have two kids running around? will he feel neglected? will he still feel loved? will he be jealous? will he understand?

but then, there's me. how will i react? this scares me the most. from best i can guess at this point, i'm thinking probably late january or february as a due date. for most, probably not a big deal.

for me...right smack in the middle of tax season!

i remember when i had jacob, i was so overwhelmed after bringing him home. i truly thought i might go into depression. not because i didn't want him, but because it was the most life changing experience one could ever have. i look back now and think, "how could i ever have felt that way?"

he is my precious baby boy.

but now, i'm going to have another. will i be a good mom? will i be able to stretch myself enough to love my husband, my first born, and another? yes, i know God will provide. but at this moment, i'm terrified.

how will i be able to wake up all hours of the night with a newborn and still have the energy to read a book with my son? how can i make him feel that he is my first born and will always hold my heart?

oh, on top of all this, my friends are moving away, my in-laws are probably getting a divorce, my mom lives two hours away and jerry will be working 60-70 hours a week!

not only that, but i don't even have disability insurance. do you know what that means??

i'll be teaching up until the day i deliver and have to go back to work 4 or 5 weeks later at the latest, because we don't have enough money for me to take more time off!

you know, all these thoughts have been in the back of my mind. i just keep pushing it all back and try not to let it come out. at this point, the only evidence i've had of having a baby is the positive test and unusually fast growing belly!

but not now. the gloves are off. the emotions have come out. there's no turning back.

i'm having another baby.

(expect a posting at a later time of the joys i'm experiencing.)


La said...

I feel you! While I haven't been in your same exact situation, I can tell you the news that I was expecting #3 was quite a surprise and not so very welcome at first. I didn't tell anyone until I was about 4 months because it took that long for me to get happy about it. =) After having had three unplanned children in a row, I've decided that God doesn't really care what we do to try NOT to have a baby. He gives us these things in His timing, and somehow it will always work out. And not just work out - it will unfold to be part of the purpose and destiny you were called to. I can't wait to see what my three little "accidents" will do for the kingdom of God one day......

Oh, you will be dog-tired and not always feel like reading that book to Jacob. You won't shower as much and your house won't be sparkly clean. You'll mostly just hope that neither you nor your house smells too offensive. You and Jerry won't have as much alone time either. But these are all things that will pass. And it's not all so bad in the middle of it either. It's a very sweet chaos. A wonderful mess of life that you will love. Seeing your firstborn love your second is indescribable. So take heart. As your belly blossoms, let your spirit soar with excitement over this new little life! I'm so happy for you! La

no_iffer said...

You wrote things that I think every pregnant woman, planned pregnancy or not, 2nd, 3rd, or 8th child, young, old, thinks at this stage in life. Having a baby, a human being that you will be responsible for, is downright scary no matter what! But, Crystal, I have absolutely no doubt, no doubt in my mind that this baby will be a great blessing and that you and Jerry will continue to be the awesome parents that you are! You amaze me with what you have done with Jacob and working and how together you always are. Yes, having another baby will be an adjustment, but I know no one more equipped or ready for the challenge than you.

And Jacob will fall in love with this baby and you and Jerry will continue to look at your two adorable children with love and then look at each other with even more love. Children do that to you.

And lastly, God's timing is always better than ours. We may not get it ...ever. But we have to believe that. Mason, as you know, was quite a shocker my Junior year of college, and I will be honest, even though I love him more than words will ever express, there were many times, I thought, "What were you thinking, God?" I felt incompetent, horrible, young, stupid, but I survived. This baby is coming in God's perfect timing. And therefore he will work out all the kinks. He will.

Plus, I will have a three month old ish baby so you can call me in tears, and then we can cry together !! and then laugh together and talk about that glorious time in our lives when we had time to scrapbook.
Love ya!

marme said...

and i couldn't have said it better myself!

28 years later, 3 terrific children here on earth with me, one in heaven waiting on me, and a wonderful new daughter and son, and the most perfect baby grand in the world, those memories and thoughts are as fresh today as 28 years ago this journey began and i can asure you all it does all work out and God does know what he's doing. just relax and give Him the reigns!

jaronxaveryxano said...

Hey there! The best things in life are worth coming by accidentally. Says the mother of two very big accidents! You will never regret giving your first child a playmate and friend for life - well, maybe only during diaper changes and midnight feedings - but those things are only for a season. You are so blessed! I remember being so scared - how are we gonna PAY for this? How am I gonna do it? And somehow, both of my kids are still here! And their mostly crazy momma is none the worse for wear! Hang in there! You are gonna do just fine - these things have a way of working themselves out!