fantasies

in just 3 days, i will look like this again...right???

okay, maybe not...but a girl can dream, right?!?!

so ready

there have been so many days during this pregnancy where i have been scared out of my mind...so much so that i couldn't even look at the nursery. there have been times where i almost just shut the door to block it off.

i've been worried about how i will react to having two children. how will i be able to love two children equally? how will i be able to show my first born that he will always be my baby? how will i make him feel like he is as special to me as he has always been? how will he feel when he goes back to school and momma is staying at home with his brother? will i be neglecting a newborn in trying to reassure him? will my husband feel like he's been left in the background when i'm trying to give all this attention to my two babies? how will i show him he is as special to me as he has always been? how will i be? will i get depressed? how will i handle going back to work after four weeks?

so many questions arise.

i know we serve a God who is so faithful and will provide an answer to each question. things will be okay.

diligence.

it will take diligence.

diligence in prayer, in reading the word, in seeking Him.

everything will fall into place.

when i started this post, i put the title on first..."so ready"...and as i started typing the emotions started flowing. the readiness has turned into anxiousness and fear.

but i'm not letting it take me over.

i am ready.

i am ready to hold my baby boy in my arms for the first time. i am ready to show him to his big brother. i am ready to have my little family of boys.

i am ready!

(i might need a little help though. please don't be strangers!)

progress

maybe not.

i'm dilated to a 2...a 2! she hasn't checked me in like 3 weeks, so there's no telling how long i've been this way.

it looks like wednesday will be the day.

we'll go in at 6 a.m. they'll start the pitocin and the doc will come around 9 a.m. to break my water.

we'll be at shannon. feel free to come visit.

i'm hoping that i fall into one of those categories where the second labor is half as long as the first. that would mean about 3-4 hours and we could have a baby.

maybe just wishful thinking.

anyway, we have quite a few things to get done over the weekend. my parents will be in on tuesday.

6 days, people! 6 days!

utter exhaustion

that's all i can say about today.

i don't know what it is, but i have no idea how i ever made it through this work day.

i'm going home now.

what to do

we had these letters in jacob's old room. we painted them to match his room now and put them on the outside of the door. i bought letters for casen to do the same thing.

we got them from different places and they only had capital letters for casen.

the dilemma...should i keep casen's on the outside of his room or over the crib like the next picture?

this almost seems too bare for me. i was thinking of attaching ribbon, but i didn't want it to get frilly.

what do you think??

after he's born, i want to get pictures and do something like this on one wall. i'm not sure if i want it over the crib or over the changing table. this could help in the decision making with the letters.

here's what happens...

when a pregnant woman with a sweet tooth goes to wal mart without a list.

these are brownie bites...and yes, i already made them...like 5 minutes after i got home.


i made the mistake of going down the valentine's aisle.


at least i got one healthy thing. of course, i'm not sure it's still considered healthy if you eat the entire jar at once?!?!

sneaky boy

this is what i found after i got out of the shower the other day.

he is absolutely fascinated with the computer. in fact, he now likes to watch movies on it. he brings in his little couch and sits on the floor. it is kinda nice to have our tv free every once in a while.

casen's room

here are a few pics of casen's room. the paint is done and the furniture is in place. now, i just have to figure out what to put on the top half of the walls. i'll probably fill it with some pictures once he gets here. other than that, i'm at a loss.

something to make you smile...

stuff

so, many of you know from seeing me last night that i didn't get to go to the funeral. the doctor said no traveling. i'm bummed and relieved at the same time.

i don't do well with funerals, but i so, so, so wanted to be there for my daddy! it just breaks my heart thinking of him and his pain right now. i wanted to be there with him, to comfort him. hopefully my prayers have reached him.

i talked to my sister earlier. she said it was actually snowing there this morning before the funeral! crazy. she said my dad looked so nice in his suit and tie. if you've ever seen him, you know he's a jeans kinda guy. i would've loved to be there to see him.

i guess i'll have to just settle seeing him in less than two weeks when my baby boy is born.

that's right. we're inducing on january 30. i decided it was worth the money and the time to have him in my arms a couple of days earlier.

we go in at 6:00 that morning.

i can't believe it's already here.

i am a little more prepared though. i still have a to do list, but it's not as dramatic as it was before.

we have daycare lined up...thanks, sarah!

the nursery is painted and ready to go.

i still haven't packed a bag. i'm planning on tying up all the rest of the loose ends this weekend.

by the way, we have a 3-day weekend!! so needed!

i realize this is a hodge podge of things from sad to happy, but with the rarity that it is of me actually having the time or energy to sit in front of my computer, i figured i better get it all in.

not a happy post

there's no easy way to post things like this so i'll just jump right into it.

my pop passed away today...my dad's dad.

he's been battling cancer for a few months now. they found it in his bones, but it had already progressed so far that there wasn't much they could do.

he was in his early 80's. chemo wasn't really an option. he just wasn't strong enough for it.

he was in alot of pain and as hard as it is, this was definitely the best thing.

my granny is in the hospital right now also. they were in there together. she's having trouble with her blood pressure and her heart is apparently only working at 30% capacity or something. i think alot of it is from the stress of the whole situation.

she is a very strong woman, though. she's defeated a stroke, breast cancer, and heart surgery.

they live about a mile from my parents. my dad graduated from college and moved back to avoca to be close to them after she had her stroke. he never left. he's always been right down the road from them. my pop and him have farmed together ever since. now it will all be on my dad.

the funeral will probably be on thursday. i go back to the doctor on wednesday. hopefully she'll give me the okay to go...even though my granny will have a fit. she's already given me "orders" to stay home. i would just really like to be there for my dad, most of all.

i know my pop is in a better place. i just pray for peace for my family.

almost there...

i can't even believe i'm doing this. i had decided to take my last picture with a shirt covering my belly, but then it just wasn't the same. you couldn't get the full effect. so, here it is, in all its glory.

last month compared to this month. will it ever end?!?!


i went to the doctor yesterday. again, she didn't check to see if i was dilated any more because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. she's not going to do anything at this point. if i go into labor, i just go into labor.

i asked her if he was head down and how big she thought he was because it feels like he has no room to move. i was getting worried that i might be having a large baby.

she felt around and said he is head down and she's estimating 6 to 6 1/2 pounds right now.

she asked if i wanted to be induced this time if it came to that.

uh....yes! i'm definitely not waiting for him to make up his mind!

the earliest she will induce is january 30.

that's less than 3 weeks!!

i'm happy, anxious, sad, scared, and ready all at the same time. is that possible??

the most unfortunate thing is we have look at the money aspect of this. if i have him in january, it will affect our february paycheck. if i have him in february, we won't get hit until march.

sad, i know.

i go back to the doctor on wednesday. i'm going to ask then if she will induce on friday, february 1. if she will, we'll have a new baby boy then. if not, i don't know what we'll do. again, i'm scared and ready at the same time. at this moment, the scared part is winning!

i'll update you again on wednesday if nothing happens before then.

and by the way, you people are so wonderful and generous!

seph, meems, team-d...thanks so much! oh, and kj, too! =)

seph, i'll be talking with you soon!

desperation

you'd think having done this before i would be more prepared. especially for things like DAYCARE after i return to work.

completely not the case.

i'm looking for a very small daycare for casen. jacob was in a home with about 5 other kids and was taken care of by one person. i want the same for casen. unfortunately, i believe she's filled the spot she had open. completely understandable.

does anybody know of any good individuals?? it will probably only be from mid-march to the end of may. he'll stay home with me during the summer and then go to our old daycare when school starts back up.

ideas????

yes...

he's still in there!

this has been the longest week in history. going back to work after being at home for a month doing nothing has been quite the transition. i'm now on my feet for about 7+ hours a day. by the time i get home, i'm so exhausted! there are so many things to do and i don't have the energy to do any of them.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow. maybe she'll say i'm dilated to like a 3 and i need to go to the hospital! wishful thinking. i'm sure i'm still the same old 1.

i'll try to update what she says tomorrow along with an 8-month picture. i've taken it, i just don't have the energy to get my camera, insert the memory card into the computer, crop it, compare to the others, and post about it.

until then, just picture a pear (my body shape) with a basketball attached to the front!

back in the saddle again...

you must sing that title to get the full effect.

i went back to work yesterday. i had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning. she didn't even check to see if i was dilated anymore because nothing had changed with me otherwise.

i'm still having contractions. she said it's just something i'm obviously going to have.

i got the clear to go back to work. i might work for a couple of days or i might work for a month. who knows.

the magic date is february 6. hopefully she won't let...er...make me go past that day.

after my first day back, which was just staff development stuff sitting in a chair the majority of the day, i was really exhausted when i got home.

i was having some weird pains and have been having the same today, but nothing worth calling the doc over.

monday, i start back full swing. i'll be on my feet for at least 8 hours. i can tell you now, monday night will be pizza night...or nothing at all, possibly.

that's all i got for now because i am once again exhausted!