anxiety.

as i'm walking past jacob's soon-to-be-first-grade-home yesterday, just as i do every day on my morning walk, these are the thoughts that are passing through my head:

i cannot believe that my son will be starting first grade in less than a week.
what is he going to wear?
he's going to look so cute in his tucked in shirt with his white belt and preppy shorts.

(and then it begins...)

wait...tucked in shirt? he can't wear his shirt like that. what if comes untucked and he can't tuck it back in?
and that belt? oh, no! what if he has to go to the bathroom and that weird buckle gets stuck?
bathroom?! where is the bathroom? will my six-year old have to walk down the halls of a school by himself to go to the bathroom?
will he even be brave enough after he drinks a whole bottle of water at lunch to ask to go?
lunch?! where will he eat lunch?
will he have to pick where he's going to sit?
will he sit alone?
and speaking of that water...he picked a lunch box that came with a water bottle. he's going to insist on taking it. what if it leaks?
will he have to keep his lunch box in his backpack? what if the condensation from the bottle gets on his stuff?
stuff?! what kind of stuff is he supposed to have in there? we have all of his school supplies, but what is going to fill that gigantic backpack?
did i get the wrong backpack?
is it too big?
is it not cool enough?
cool?! what about recess. will he be brave enough to ask someone to play with him?
what if he falls?
what if he falls and cries?
what if he falls and cries and then cries some more because he's crying?
what if he comes home and tells me he hates it?
what should i do?
what should i say?
what if i cry?

(and then there's this...)

what if he comes home and tells me he loves it?

dude, i am one messed up, emotional momma right now.

steer clear.

squash face.

how fast they change.

four months.

she's smiling at her daddy. :)

here are her four-month stats:

• 13 pounds 6 ounces
• 24.25 inches long
• 16.5 inch head (it's growing faster than any other part of her.)
• we may have a blonde haired, blue eyed girl on our hands. watch out!
• totally reliant on her bedtime routine...bath, bottle, sleep. it's working for us.
• getting closer to two good naps a day. work in progress.
• had her first try at cereal today. obvious reaction.
• is in LOVE with her brothers.
• showing many signs of clinginess to momma and daddy.
• rolls over front to back AND back to front.
• really wants to sit. borrowed kylah's bumbo. happy girl.
• loves to gnaw on her heart-shaped teething ring.
• must be carried while grocery shopping. she'll be staying at home from now on.
• has the cutest laugh EVER.

you're changing way too fast, baby girl. i'm relishing every second!

pretty in pink.

I want you to know...

I will be living vicariously through my daughter for as long as she will let me...fashion wise, that is.

There are so many things she can wear that I myself can either never pull off or am just not brave enough to try.

For example, as soon as cooler weather hits, she'll be sporting super cute dresses and skirts with cropped tights and a jacket of some sort. Her chubby legs will be adorably cute hugged by those tights.

And when winter hits, if ever, I'm envisioning velvet and silk dresses with chunky cardigans and boots...assuming her feet will be big enough for shoes by then...definitely questionable.

And shortly after, when the warmth returns, I see shorts and tanks with shiny sandals and maybe even some hair accessories other than headbands...here's hoping for hair for my baby girl.

Is it sad that I have these things planned already?

Is it even more sad that it takes me longer to decide what baby girl is going to wear for the day than it does myself?

You don't have to answer that. :)

I have a six year old.

Seriously.
I'm still in shock. I know every mom feels this way, but it's like I blinked and he's six. Then I'm going to blink again, and he'll be eighteen.
This has got to stop.

Happy birthday, baby boy! Momma loves you so!

The little things.

I know it's only July, but things like this make me very happy. Especially when I can get them on sale!

Untitled.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't deal well with being left out or rejected. In fact, I down right suck at it. One of my major flaws is I take just about everything personally. It's forever been a struggle for me. I read into everything whether there's meaning or not. I make up my own scenarios and am usually way off base. I then hold everything in until it eventually comes spewing out like coke that just had a mentos dropped in it.

All of this to say, those feelings are nothing compared to what happens when I feel like one of my children are being left out or rejected. The intensity of the hurt, fear, and frustration multiplies one hundred fold. My heart aches.

One of my biggest fears has always been that my personality would come out in my children. I don't take risks. I don't step out of my comfort zone. I worry what other people think. I'm a play-it-safe kinda girl.

I don't want my children to feel that they have to be part of the popular group or be the cool kid. But I also don't want them to be the one standing in the corner alone waiting to be approached. I don't want them to be me.

I pray for my kids everyday...that they would have confidence, yet be humble. They would be outgoing, yet be polite. They would be fun, yet be restrained. I pray that they find a balance between too much and too little. The best of both worlds, I guess.

And then I'm brought to the realization of how much I LOVE my children. And how unimaginable the love of Jesus is for me.

Isn't it amazing how God designed us to form new life, and then love that life in a way that gives us only a glimpse of what He feels for us?

Jesus, thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for these three wonderful blessings that I have the privilege of loving. I pray that you would help me to instill confidence in them. Help me to show them the love they deserve. And help me to be strong even when it feels as though my heart is literally breaking. Amen.

pizza night.

i have found it to be wholly true that when you involve your kids in the making of dinner, they are more interested in eating the meal. casen's still a little stubborn sometimes, but man, they have alot of fun doing it.

if you notice the tiny foot in the upper left corner, mya was a spectator.

look at that chubby hand.

can you tell casen's the cheese fan?

lookin' good!

and i must say, they tasted pretty darn good.

three months.

pretty baby. 

here are her three-month stats:

• 12 pounds
• 24 inches long
• still rockin' the blue eyes
• sleeps through the night...generally from about 9 pm to 7 am
• napping better during the day, but still not great
• eats 4 ounces at a time
• smiles at almost anyone who talks to her...little flirt (gets it from her daddy)
• laughs out loud...cutest.thing.ever
• rolls over from front to back
• plays with overhead toys...those attached to playmat and bouncer
• LOVES her brothers
• comforted by swaddling...arms out
• becoming more self-entertained
• melts my heart with every look

i love you, sweet baby!

Two super handsome boys.

Seriously.

What is there to say?

Us time.

Happy Wednesday!

Jealous.

I'm admitting it.

I'm totally jealous of so many of my friends who currently have the time to do things like blog, go to the pool, get a tan, shop, or just plain hang out. The only way I'm able to post this right now is because I'm holding baby girl while she drifts off to sleep with her bottle in her mouth. (Don't judge me. I need my sanity.) And this amazing invention called the iPhone is small enough for me to hold and type with one hand. It's the only way I've stayed connected to the outside world.

For those who know me, you know I don't sit well. I'm definitely an on-the-go girl. I even have a complex about going to the movie theater because I know I'm going to be stuck in one place for two hours. Weird, I know.

And I know this phase will pass. It will. I'm doing my best not to rush it.

On a side note, I'm sure none of this is even flowing together because since I've began this post I've been interrupted with, "I want to look at the book!" "Jacob got those out!" "Where's my blanket?!" "Go to your room!" "Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" "Stop!" "Don't!" "Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!" And of course, a now eyes-wide-open baby girl.

And the cycle starts all over again.

Stay tuned for the next episode of "Crystal Goes Insane".

Happy Father's Day!

What a mix of expressions.

seriously.

i could stare at her all day. oh wait...i pretty much do that already since the child never sleeps during the day!

New addition.

The pergola, not the boy. :)

dude...

this feels like forever ago already!