Pages

Monday, July 14, 2008

struggling

i've been working on this post for a few days now. i even have a different draft saved that i would have to edit so much it's not even worth it.

to say the least...i'm struggling.

with what, you ask? i know the majority of you are thinking, what could possibly be affecting this calm, cool, collected person, right?

that's just it. i'm this calm, cool, collected person.

that is a problem.

i've got personality issues.

i'm surrounded by bold, bubbly, loving, genuine, straightforward friends and where do i fit in?

i'm the QUIET one.

i really never saw it as a problem...until now.

apparently after four years of marriage, my husband still can't read me. i have such a monotone composure that my emotions are not clear. there's very little difference between happy and sad.

i hate that!

it is also an apparent issue with my job. i'm told i don't smile enough. i don't laugh enough. i don't let the kids see the real me.

what is the real me, for goodness sakes??

i know who i want it to be.

at 26 years old, i've had the same personality my whole life. i'm supposed to change it now?!?!

sure. that'll be easy.

considering it has taken everything in me to push "publish post" for all to see how messed up i am!

8 comments:

Wendy said...

Don't feel bad. I'm the same way. It's just the way we are built. Maybe that's why I like you. :)

Jenni said...

Can you imagine how overwhelming this world would be if everybody were bubbly and bold? Somebody has to the cool, level head to off-set A-type personalities. That's one of the reasons I want you on my team so bad - Sabrina and I need a little toning down sometimes. (Plus I like you better!)
It's just like the body of Christ - we can't all be hands or feet. I sometimes think I'm supposed to be an armpit or something :) God created you the way you are on purpose. And He loves you that way.

ree said...

I completely understand.
It's finally getting better at work, and we are all feeling more comfortable with one another, but it was really tough there for a while. Even when I thought I was stepping out of my comfort zone, it wasn't "out there" enough.

beautiful chaos said...

Whoa - you really DO have problems!! j/k

I really love your personality!
In the beginning of our friendship I was sure you weren't that into a friendship with me. But now I know you are true and caring and kind and when the chips are down - I know I can come to you.
I love it that there are no real surprises with you - but you are honest and good.
I have to admit, it's hard not to feel like a drama queen while hanging out with you - maybe the rest of us just need to take it down a few notches - you ever thought about it that way?

That calm, even, and collected personality is the one I'll finally have when I have arrived!!
You're just way more mature than the rest of us - that's all...

kdp said...

i look at you sometimes and i am envious of your demeanor. trust me being so bubbly is exhausting. people often wonder what is wrong if there is ever a day when you just want to be quiet, or not on all the time.
i think of what an amazing patient, calm teacher you must be. not to mention what an amazing mother you must be.
i love you just the way you are.
don't change a thing.

cassandra sagan webb said...

I agree with everything everyone said. It would be nice to be the calm quiet one!! My big mouth always gets me into a lot of trouble - at my job, with my husband, with my friends, everywhere.

I never thought you liked me much back in the day (which could have been the truth...lol), but I've seen your eyes light up and I've seen you in moments of true-Crystalness and you and I weren't even that close! And trust me, true-Crystalness is a beautiful thing, my friend.

We should all take note.

Meems said...

I will admit to having a hard time reading you.

But, as others have already said, we all make up a different piece of the puzzle. You, my friend, seem to be like a deep, deep water. To quote a book, "The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible, but it is, nevertheless, very strong."

You have many of the same qualities my husband has. The same qualities that make me love him, drive me insane at the same time. They make you dependable, stable, calm in the storm, the person people can count on.

I think we all have personality issues. I really had to work on toning my personality down about ten notches, just to get to where I am now. Maybe, in five years I will 'fit in'.

Thanks for sharing. I believe that being an open book allows all of us to be 'real' about our struggles.

kablot spot said...

Well, I don't know you that well, but you seem stable. I never once thought you were unfriendly, smug, or uninviting. I always enjoyed talking to you, even though you didn't talk much. (I do really like to talk, so someone else not talking much is kind of a plus. I only fully enjoy dominating a conversation when the other person wants me to.) See, all these bubbly, loud people are drawn to people like you so that they don't have to worry about stealing the spotlight. AND... everything you DO say is important because you don't say every thought that comes to mind. You just are who you are, just the way God made you. If your job says you need to smile more, just practice doing it more. (I never thought you didn't smile. I can picture your smile right now, in fact.)