Sunday, December 9, 2007

clouded anticipation

okay. i'm expecting a baby...possibly very the next 8 1/2 weeks at the most.

so why is it that my brain is clouded with everything under the sun, except my baby boy?

the main

just about every waking thought i have has something to do with...
  • worrying about my students while i'm gone;
  • planning for the next 3 months;
  • getting copies made and everything laid out for my return after christmas break;
  • my boss and what else he can do to make me feel any more inadequate, inferior, unprepared, horrible, failure of a teacher;
  • burdening other teachers...pam and monica...with little things i can't do while i'm on house arrest;
  • and any other school related topic that just happens to pop into my mind.

then there's the upcoming i'm not even supposed to go out shopping for.

my birthday tomorrow, which i'm not even supposed to do anything to celebrate.

the painting of the nursery, which i'm not supposed to leave the house to pick out a paint color...much less paint.

of course, as i'm sitting here typing, stressing about all these things, jacob is laying on the couch trying to sing along with the little einstein's theme song...all i can do is smile.

so in the days ahead, i should be anticipating the birth of another baby, ready to hold him in my arms, ready for jacob to meet his baby brother, ready to stop worrying about him and his health and the possibility of preterm labor.

instead, my head is clouded. this is a problem i've struggled with for as long as i can remember. my prayer, almost daily, is that the Lord would reveal to me how to clear things from my mind. how can i focus on only Him? how can i break through all the mundane things and get to a quiet place with Him?

the same applies here. i can't even focus on having a of the biggest moments in a woman's life...due to all the other things going on.

this is definitely not the happiest post, but for those of you who might have been wondering why there are no sweet, sappy baby you know why. something else always gets in the way.


La said...

I understand what you're talking about. All the anticipation of having a baby is a really big part of the whole thing. But when things aren't ideal, for whatever reason, you don't even get to enjoy that anticipation. I keep thinking that our little guy is going to come before I've been able to settle down and look forward to him.

Bedrest must really stink. How difficult to not be able to do anything to get ready for the holidays OR the baby. Though I'm not on bedrest, I do feel like my hands are tied in many ways. So I guess I understand a little what you are going through. It's just frustrating for a momma to not be able to get everything perfect and prepared. I hope things get better for you. In the meantime, I guess you get to do lots of shopping online. =)

Sara_Smiles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sara_Smiles said...

C~(sorry! I messed up the first time...oops!!!)

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to ease the yuckiness about this situation...but, all I can do is offer myself. I will help you in anyway that I can.

Please, let me know if I can do anything to ease this time. Be it school, home, (not painting... :)) or whatever!