my own personal band

check it out here.

new blog...maybe.

you've probably seen on jenny's blog the switch to a new one.

we've also been working on a new sprinkle one from the same place but are still working out the kinks.

i'm thinking of moving mine there also, just because it's so much easier for pictures! and with the recent disney trip, i need easy!

so take a look!

crystaldramirez.myfotojournal.com

(plus, i have no idea what this photobucket thing is that's floating around on here!!)

disney world...day 1

handsome boys

how can they be so cute apart yet so goofy together?! this is the best attempt at getting a picture of them anywhere near each other. sad, i know.

so the rest will be of them apart...as usual.

sea world

we took a mini vacation a couple of weeks ago to san antonio. we stayed at a hotel on the riverwalk one night and then with kylah for the next two. much fun!

this was jacob's second trip to sea world and casen's first. they had a blast! and we had fun watching them!

casen obviously looks thrilled here. :) he was probably pouting because jacob got out of the car first...a daily fight in the ramirez household.

casen was too scared to get in the picture.

can you see casen clinging to jerry? i'm telling you...terrified!

we did NOT sit in the splash zone. i just can't make myself do it.

this was jacob's first roller coaster ride ever. he was quite thrilled. actually, this was his second. he rode it once earlier in the day, but i didn't get a picture. he was with jerry, and i was busy looking for one of the bands to my wedding ring. i'll give you one guess who was responsible...casen! a whole other story. :)

the new do...

and then there's this...

we just got home a little while ago from a mini vacation.

as we're unpacking, i'm trying to pick up the house at the same time. i'm rearranging things on shelves and putting things away.

i was reorganizing the pile of things we have on our nightstand.

i picked up my bible to move it and noticed and ant on it. (that's a whole other story.) anyway, i shook my bible to get the ant off and a small envelope fell out.

the envelope was from one of our women's retreats. it simply said "my beloved" on the front.

i pulled out the card inside and it read, "my eyes and affections are upon you now."

i remember being at the retreat and getting that card and thinking, how does this apply to me now? i struggled with the meaning then.

but man, i get it now.

how appropriate. how perfect. how simply...Him.

i opened my bible to put it into some random spot and i came to the book of Numbers. i started reading through and remembered that in my older bible, the one that has ALL the notes and underlines, and highlights in it that i had marked a specific portion of Numbers. my current bible is the Message version. i couldn't easily recognize the verse so i went and pulled out my other bible. i immediately found it.

Numbers 6:22 - 27 (NKJV)

22 And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying: "Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, 'This is the way you shall bless the children of Israel. Say to them: 24 "The Lord bless you and keep you; 25 The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; 26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.'" 27 "So they shall put my name on the children of Israel, and I will bless them."

all i could do was smile.

what an awesome God we serve.

making it.

i have thought up this post about a thousand times in the last week, but i've never had the courage to actually type it.

i haven't because it would mean that the nightmare that i've been in is actually real.

there's no waking up from this one with an overwhelming sense of relief that it was all a dream. not this time.

this time it's all real.

it's been exactly one week since i found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. it happened sometime around 8 1/2 weeks. we didn't find out until this past monday.

i still can't really put into words what i felt when the doctor told us. i was in shock. still am, i guess.

one day i was rejoicing about how much better i felt. the nausea had subsided. the next day, i was finding out that was the first clue that something was wrong.

it crossed my mind when i woke up one morning and just felt better. i could actually eat breakfast. i worried for a moment. but then i pushed those thoughts to the back and convinced myself that it was normal for me to feel better. i was almost 10 weeks. i wasn't nauseated long with casen. it seemed to be okay.

it wasn't.

for two weeks, something had been very wrong. and i had no clue.

for a mom, that's pretty hard to take. how could i not know? shouldn't i have had that intuition? i try not to go there. i know nothing that i did or didn't do caused this. but man, it's hard.

it's just hard.

it's hard to not be angry. it's hard to not just fall into myself and away from everyone. it's hard to be reminded mutliple times a day by the physical effects that come with it. it's hard to see the bruises from the multiple attempts at an iv. it's hard to hear my 4-year old say he's sad because he's not going to have a baby sister. it's hard to see my husband hurting when everyone is so concerned with me. it's hard to smile when i feel guilty because it seems like it's too soon to think of anything else. it's hard to see the smiles drop from the faces of those who have just figured out what happened as they talk to me. it's hard to tell my 2-year old no when he points to my belly and says "baby". it's hard to not ask why. it's hard to not ask why me.

and it's hard to accept the fact that God knows something that we don't.

i know sometime in the future, a post will come about peace. God is our comforter, our savior, our healer. i have total faith in Him.

until that peace comes, i'll just be making it.

six years...plus one day.

yesterday, jerry and i celebrated our sixth anniversary.

the statement, "time flies when you're having fun" is so, so true.

of course, time also flies when you have kids.

and when you both work.

and when you're dealing with sickness all the time.

and when you love someone so much, you can't help but want every second with him to last an eternity.

jerry,
this has totally been us for the last six years. it's been a whirlwind, but i wouldn't want to be in this thing we call our life with anyone but you. i find myself loving you more everyday than the day before...if that's possible. i can't wait to see what the future holds in store for us next.

happy anniversary,
crystal

13 days

school days, that is.

until i'm officially a stay-at-home mom.

i still can't believe it.

reminiscing

i was looking back through my first posts on my blog this morning and came across this.
can you believe it??
my baby is so big now!
i don't even know what else to say...

it's official

due december 15.

it's been a crazy roller coaster ride already!

i hope this is not a preview of what's to come.

are these not the most handsome boys in the world?!

totally want something from this place.

www.threesistersjewelrydesign.com

i don't know what...but something!

happy birthday!

to my wonderful husband!

he's finally caught up with me in age. :)

i love you so much and can't imagine any part of my life without you. you are such a joy to me and our boys. they absolutely adore you. i totally know why. i hope that we can make today as special for you as you make every other day special for us.

happy birthday!

i love you!

thursday.

thursday is 3 days away.
thursday is the day casen will have surgery.
thursday is the day they will remove his adenoids and possibly replace the tubes in his ears.
thursday is the day we've been waiting for.
thursday is the day the infections will go away and his asthma will be somewhat, if not totally alleviated.
thursday is the day my baby will finally be healed.
thursday.

and more...

of 2 out of my 3 favorite boys in the world!

want to smile?

want to cry?

go here.

and if you want all the background information, go here.

and when you go there, you need to especially read this.

wow.

wow!

if this girl were my daughter, i would be so broke. lucky for me, she's my niece, and i always have the privilege of capturing her cuteness!

growing up

does my child not look gigantic here?

this picture makes me think of some teenage boy. it makes me sad.

oh, how i am so totally and utterly AMAZED!

in case you haven't read my blog in the last 24 hours, read this first then come back for the update.

so here's the whole story...

i'm a little ashamed to admit that i didn't divulge every detail of the situation in my previous post. i was still a little scared about putting it all out there.

not...any...more!

for the past two sundays, i've had major meltdowns during worship. i've just been so frustrated and upset and mad and tired and just plain lacking. so much so that two sundays ago, i turned to greet sheena. she simply asked, "how are the boys?" and that's all it took. tears flowed like a raging rain storm.

this sunday, as lennon was giving his "ask big" pre-sermon, i just broke down again. i knew i had asked God to makes my boys better before, but i also knew that i never really believed it would happen. those things happen in others' lives. not mine.

but this time...this time i put it all on the line. i asked God to fully heal them. not just for now, but forever. now, i don't expect them to never be sick again, but a cold...i can handle that. i'm talking about this ridiculous, recurring asthma/ear infection junk. take it. take it for good. and then i went even further. i asked that it not be somewhere down the road. i want it today (monday).

you see, i knew casen had a check up with his ear, nose and throat doctor today to evaluate his tubes that we had put in just about a year ago this week. i asked that our answer come then. no more wondering. no more waiting. now.

i left work about 3:50. his appointment was at 3:45. i knew they'd have to wait a little while. i went fully expecting to hear a word from God. a word that said your son is healed.

we finally get in to see the doc about 4:15. we explain that casen has still had at least 8 infections since getting his tubes last year. the doc was surprised.

with tubes, it's supposed to reduce ear infections to maybe one, if any after they're put in. certainly not 8. one of the tubes is getting ready to fall out.

the doc comes back with, i think we should take his adenoids out.

never in this time have i had any sense of panic or fear. i have total peace.

apparently, the adenoids can be kinda like a nest for infections. by removing them, not only should the infections cease, but with casen having asthma, those symptoms should improve dramatically, if not go away completely.

peace. complete, overwhelming peace.

this was our word. this was our amazing work from God.

is it the way we would've dreamed it? no. i'd much rather just have a miraculous healing and be done. but i'll take it.

God gave us doctors for a reason. in this case, this doctor will be the vessel in which my baby boy is healed.

so, on april 1, my baby will undergo another minor surgery. they'll take his adenoids and possibly replace the tubes with another set. this will be the answer.

obviously, this only takes care of one of my babies. but i know that He has amazing things in store for the other one too.

i know, that i know, that i know, this is it.

in less than a day, God has proven himself amazing.

simply amazing.

Lord, I'm amazed by You.

this morning in church, lennon made it a point to say, "are you? are you amazed by Him?" how many times to do we sing this song just to sing? do we really mean it?

of course i mean it. of course i do...in reference to other people's lives. has God done wonderful things in my life? yes! has it been something that i sit back and say, "wow! that was amazing! that was God!" not really.

i know this is sounding a little harsh. it's not meant to be. the truth is, i've never had any issues that have really required an amazing move from God. my life following Him has been pretty smooth.

until now.

now, it's no longer about me. now, i have a husband. now, i have kids. now, i have unsaved family members. now, i have people i come in contact with everyday who do not know Him.

i KNOW Him. i KNOW He's amazing. i KNOW He performs miracles. i KNOW He is willing and capable.

all of this why?

because now i'm in need of something amazing. i NEED an amazing work from God.

i'm asking that my children be healed. totally, completely, never again returning, healed.

lennon said that so many times, our faith is so lacking that we don't "ask big". you have no idea how true that is for me. i "ask safe". God, in your time, heal them. in your time, let this happen. in your time, if it is your will, let this happen. this way, when it doesn't happen right away, i can either say, "it's not His time right now." or "it's not His will right now." either way, i've been answered.

why? because God has performed miracles in others' lives. He's healed. He's restored. He's saved.

i've never required this.

until now.

i've been struggling lately with not being strong enough. with people seeing me dealing with my sick babies and not handling it well. with people thinking, "man, she's a christian. she follows God. yet look how stressed she is. look how much she has to deal with. why would i want that?"

i don't want that anymore. i want people to look at me and think, "look how awesome her life is. no matter what happens, she KNOWS God is in control. she's following Him and He's performing miracles in her life. i WANT what she has. i want Him." i now fully understand that i'm not meant to be strong all of the time...but He is. when i'm not, He is. and that's okay. He's waiting for me to say, "i NEED you." i need you. He can be strong for me. that's what i want others to see. even though i'm not enough, He is.

so i'm asking...no, i'm believing healing will come. i've dropped my safety net. i'm stepping over my pride. i'm putting every ounce of faith i have out there.

MY God, the Alpha and the Omega, the All Knowing, the One, the Savior, the Comforter, the Redeemer, the Healer...His next amazing work is in MY children.

in Jesus name.

happy birthday, casen!

you'd never know they were sick...

another trip to the doctor today. poor babies just can't catch a break. it's quite sad that they're so used to being sick that it doesn't slow them down a bit.

happy new year!

a rare pic of me and my hubby. hopefully this is a sign there will be many more this year!