Monday, May 31, 2010

making it.

i have thought up this post about a thousand times in the last week, but i've never had the courage to actually type it.

i haven't because it would mean that the nightmare that i've been in is actually real.

there's no waking up from this one with an overwhelming sense of relief that it was all a dream. not this time.

this time it's all real.

it's been exactly one week since i found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. it happened sometime around 8 1/2 weeks. we didn't find out until this past monday.

i still can't really put into words what i felt when the doctor told us. i was in shock. still am, i guess.

one day i was rejoicing about how much better i felt. the nausea had subsided. the next day, i was finding out that was the first clue that something was wrong.

it crossed my mind when i woke up one morning and just felt better. i could actually eat breakfast. i worried for a moment. but then i pushed those thoughts to the back and convinced myself that it was normal for me to feel better. i was almost 10 weeks. i wasn't nauseated long with casen. it seemed to be okay.

it wasn't.

for two weeks, something had been very wrong. and i had no clue.

for a mom, that's pretty hard to take. how could i not know? shouldn't i have had that intuition? i try not to go there. i know nothing that i did or didn't do caused this. but man, it's hard.

it's just hard.

it's hard to not be angry. it's hard to not just fall into myself and away from everyone. it's hard to be reminded mutliple times a day by the physical effects that come with it. it's hard to see the bruises from the multiple attempts at an iv. it's hard to hear my 4-year old say he's sad because he's not going to have a baby sister. it's hard to see my husband hurting when everyone is so concerned with me. it's hard to smile when i feel guilty because it seems like it's too soon to think of anything else. it's hard to see the smiles drop from the faces of those who have just figured out what happened as they talk to me. it's hard to tell my 2-year old no when he points to my belly and says "baby". it's hard to not ask why. it's hard to not ask why me.

and it's hard to accept the fact that God knows something that we don't.

i know sometime in the future, a post will come about peace. God is our comforter, our savior, our healer. i have total faith in Him.

until that peace comes, i'll just be making it.


ree said...

Oh, Crystal.
Saying I'm sorry doesn't seem like enough. My heart hurts for you. I'll be praying for that peace to come.

Michelle said...

I am praying for you and your family.

Meems said...

My heart hurts for you as well. I am praying...

CG said...

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers!

JAC said...

I don't have words to express my feelings for you and your "boys". Just know that we love you much, and you are in our prayers!!! At a time like this, words actually do not help much, but in time it will be ok. You have a little angel waiting for you in heaven - I do also! Probably a little boy for me.

Wendy said...

I wish I had some amazing encouraging thing to tell you. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be angry. God's going to get you through this. I will be praying for you.

Sheena said...

Honey you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you girl.

beautiful chaos said...

Oh sweetie! I am so sorry.

This hurts too much and doesn't make any sense.

You are an amazing woman and an even more amazing mommy!

Father - I pray Your peace on Crys and her family.

"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:7)

seph said...

i think of what baca said. you're a mom of three. in heaven, you will have that baby in your arms. i'm so sorry that you have to wait. i love you so, friend.

marme said...

I love you.

Heather said...

I don't know you, but I ran across your blog, just looking for something to read while my husband is working and I wanted to say that I am praying for you. I have had three miscarriages, so I know how devastating this loss is. I appreciate your writing and your trust in God's healing.