the look

every morning, i drop jacob off at daycare. some mornings, he's so ready to play that he doesn't even acknowledge that i'm there once we arrive. quite heartbreaking for a mom.

but today, i once again tell him bye and he runs into my arms and just lays on me. "baby, momma has to go to work. why don't you go play with shadow?" (shadow is the cat.) he starts to walk away and then he turns to look at me, as if to say, "momma, are you really leaving?"

i walk out the door, turn around to close it, and there he is, still looking at me. he turns to walk away and stops. he once again turns around to look at me.

the look on his face broke my heart...as it is doing the same right now because it is implanted in my brain...as i sit here crying, longing to be with him.

the power of the look...

octopus

just an ordinary word...octopus.

but when you hear it come out of the mouth of a 20 month old little boy...it somehow becomes extraordinary.

i know i'm probably just a proud mom and the things jacob does really aren't that outstanding compared to other kids...but i like to think that i have an extraordinary little boy with extraordinary talents and extraordinary brains. i like to think that i, as a mother, have accomplished something extraordinary.

i want my son to grow up and be successful...more so than his dad and i. i want him to grow up to be a wonderful husband, dad, friend, christian...

i want him to be extraordinary.

i want all these things, yet all i've been doing lately is complaining about how bad he has been acting. he's been defiant, whiny, and sometimes down right mean.

yet, for the past two mornings, i've gone to drop him off at daycare and he just clings to me not wanting me to leave. i'll put him down and try to say bye and he just looks up at me heartbroken. i kneel down and he runs into my arms and just leans against me with his head on my shoulder...(no longer on my chest because he's gotten so big).

every morning, i leave longing to just spend 5 more minutes with him. yet, the night before i couldn't wait for him to go to bed so i could have peace and quiet.

does this make me a bad mom...or just normal?

joy

out of 20 something pictures taken at sears portraits, this was the last and certainly the best.

how can i ever resist that perfect smile walking into my room at 3 a.m. wanting to sleep inbetween his mom and dad?!

he is my perfect little angel...

i could never imagine that i could have so much love for one person (other than my husband). and to think...someday, there will be another. how will he/she ever compete?

every time i think i'm ready for another, i look at my jacob and wonder if i could ever love another child the way i do him. i wonder how he will feel when he has a brother or sister who gets part of his attention?

i know people do it all the time. a mother's love knows no bounds. as the family grows, so does the love. but the thought of anything taking away from my little boy is frightening.

yet, the thought of having another precious gift is unmistakably wonderful.

someday...

beautiful

this word...

the appropriateness of the use of this word is unfathomable.

from the first time you see your baby lying in your arms...

to the first time you see your engagment ring sliding on your finger...

to the first time you see the sunset with the love of your life...

but the sweetest...

waking up in the morning to the words of your husband...

"good morning, BEAUTIFUL."

with one word, he changed my outlook on the entire day. i dread waking up in the morning to go to work, but hearing those words makes it bearable.

my husband...the love of my life...he can never begin to know how much those simple words mean to me.

i love you!

perfect...or something close

this is what i yearn to be.

i want to be the perfect wife. i want to be the perfect mother. i want to be the perfect teacher. i want to be the perfect friend. i want to be the perfect christian.

i know nobody's perfect, but...

no matter how hard i try, i always come up short. i always seem to have a bad attitude and i hate that about myself.

i've noticed when i ask people how they are, most reply, "GREAT!". my response is always, "okay", with a big sigh. i hate being like that!

i hate it that my husband has to always ask me if i love him because i don't tell him often enough.

i hate it that my mother-in-law feels the need to clean our house because i don't keep it clean enough.

i hate it that my kids don't learn because i don't love my job enough.

i hate it that my son may not have a good relationship with jesus because i do not get in the word enough.

i hate it that i do not have many friends because i am not outgoing enough.

i hate it that i hate this many things about myself!

i love my husband! i love my son! i love jesus! i love my friends!

overall, i love my life! it is near perfect...what's wrong with me?