making it.

i have thought up this post about a thousand times in the last week, but i've never had the courage to actually type it.

i haven't because it would mean that the nightmare that i've been in is actually real.

there's no waking up from this one with an overwhelming sense of relief that it was all a dream. not this time.

this time it's all real.

it's been exactly one week since i found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. it happened sometime around 8 1/2 weeks. we didn't find out until this past monday.

i still can't really put into words what i felt when the doctor told us. i was in shock. still am, i guess.

one day i was rejoicing about how much better i felt. the nausea had subsided. the next day, i was finding out that was the first clue that something was wrong.

it crossed my mind when i woke up one morning and just felt better. i could actually eat breakfast. i worried for a moment. but then i pushed those thoughts to the back and convinced myself that it was normal for me to feel better. i was almost 10 weeks. i wasn't nauseated long with casen. it seemed to be okay.

it wasn't.

for two weeks, something had been very wrong. and i had no clue.

for a mom, that's pretty hard to take. how could i not know? shouldn't i have had that intuition? i try not to go there. i know nothing that i did or didn't do caused this. but man, it's hard.

it's just hard.

it's hard to not be angry. it's hard to not just fall into myself and away from everyone. it's hard to be reminded mutliple times a day by the physical effects that come with it. it's hard to see the bruises from the multiple attempts at an iv. it's hard to hear my 4-year old say he's sad because he's not going to have a baby sister. it's hard to see my husband hurting when everyone is so concerned with me. it's hard to smile when i feel guilty because it seems like it's too soon to think of anything else. it's hard to see the smiles drop from the faces of those who have just figured out what happened as they talk to me. it's hard to tell my 2-year old no when he points to my belly and says "baby". it's hard to not ask why. it's hard to not ask why me.

and it's hard to accept the fact that God knows something that we don't.

i know sometime in the future, a post will come about peace. God is our comforter, our savior, our healer. i have total faith in Him.

until that peace comes, i'll just be making it.