no doubt

i'm sitting at my desk in my classroom. yes, school is already in session. it's 1st period. i do not have a first period. or a second period. or even an advisory for that matter (for this week, anyway). so what am i choosing to do with my first conference of the year? blog.

every summer, i have always expressed dread about going back to school and being away from my babies. if i were to be completely honest, that dread was never actually a true thing...until this year. i've always secretly been ready to return. to get out of the monotanous days of diapers, feedings, random naps, etc. i know, that sounds horrible. but i just didn't feel that i was called to stay home.

until now.

last night, as i tucked my babies into bed, i secretly cried. i cried because, for the first time, i truly did not want to return. i want to be home with my babies. i want to spend time with jacob before he begins his school career. i want to be with my crazy casen, even though his ultimate goal is to mess with jacob. i just want to be there with them.

so i cried. and i cried. i just laid in bed, and at that moment i knew, without a doubt, that where i belong is at home. not for this year, of course. i'm obviously at school and starting a brand new year. but honestly, i'm at peace with that. there was no dread this morning. there were no regrets that i didn't do enough this summer. there was only a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

it wasn't only the crying that sealed my knowing of where i should be. before getting into bed, as i was putting casen in his bed, i just held him. the child never sits still. but at that moment, he just laid on my shoulder, as if to say "i love you". i cried then too. and as i was tucking jacob in, i said "i love you, baby". his response was, "momma, you have to start calling me jacob". i cried then too.

and then at 3 o'clock this morning, jacob, who was sleeping on the floor beside my bed, woke up to tell me he needed to throw up. i took him to the bathroom, fully expecting him to be dramatic and nothing happen. i was wrong. my poor baby did throw up. he just stood there, so calm and brave, as his stomach was so upset. it broke my heart.

and then when i went to put on my dress for the day (yes, a dress.), a dress that i have only worn once, two buttons popped off. there was no way i was going to go through the stress of finding something else to where. so i just sewed the button back on with a smile.

and then, when i arrived at school and entered my room, my computer has sent me a message that said, "hard drive error: back up data immediately. call help desk immediately." so i called them with a smile.

it's now nearing the end of 1st period. it will be another hour and a half before i even have a student in my room. something else is sure to go wrong. but i'm focusing my attitude on "everything to His glory". that is what i want to show today. through whatever may go wrong, i want to reflect Him. i want my students to know that there's something different about mrs. ramirez. and not just that i have a casting crowns cd playing, but that i am truly different...from the inside out.