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Monday, August 24, 2009

no doubt

i'm sitting at my desk in my classroom. yes, school is already in session. it's 1st period. i do not have a first period. or a second period. or even an advisory for that matter (for this week, anyway). so what am i choosing to do with my first conference of the year? blog.

every summer, i have always expressed dread about going back to school and being away from my babies. if i were to be completely honest, that dread was never actually a true thing...until this year. i've always secretly been ready to return. to get out of the monotanous days of diapers, feedings, random naps, etc. i know, that sounds horrible. but i just didn't feel that i was called to stay home.

until now.

last night, as i tucked my babies into bed, i secretly cried. i cried because, for the first time, i truly did not want to return. i want to be home with my babies. i want to spend time with jacob before he begins his school career. i want to be with my crazy casen, even though his ultimate goal is to mess with jacob. i just want to be there with them.

so i cried. and i cried. i just laid in bed, and at that moment i knew, without a doubt, that where i belong is at home. not for this year, of course. i'm obviously at school and starting a brand new year. but honestly, i'm at peace with that. there was no dread this morning. there were no regrets that i didn't do enough this summer. there was only a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

it wasn't only the crying that sealed my knowing of where i should be. before getting into bed, as i was putting casen in his bed, i just held him. the child never sits still. but at that moment, he just laid on my shoulder, as if to say "i love you". i cried then too. and as i was tucking jacob in, i said "i love you, baby". his response was, "momma, you have to start calling me jacob". i cried then too.

and then at 3 o'clock this morning, jacob, who was sleeping on the floor beside my bed, woke up to tell me he needed to throw up. i took him to the bathroom, fully expecting him to be dramatic and nothing happen. i was wrong. my poor baby did throw up. he just stood there, so calm and brave, as his stomach was so upset. it broke my heart.

and then when i went to put on my dress for the day (yes, a dress.), a dress that i have only worn once, two buttons popped off. there was no way i was going to go through the stress of finding something else to where. so i just sewed the button back on with a smile.

and then, when i arrived at school and entered my room, my computer has sent me a message that said, "hard drive error: back up data immediately. call help desk immediately." so i called them with a smile.

it's now nearing the end of 1st period. it will be another hour and a half before i even have a student in my room. something else is sure to go wrong. but i'm focusing my attitude on "everything to His glory". that is what i want to show today. through whatever may go wrong, i want to reflect Him. i want my students to know that there's something different about mrs. ramirez. and not just that i have a casting crowns cd playing, but that i am truly different...from the inside out.

7 comments:

kj said...

wow. what a wonderful post, friend. i cried too. and...you never have to start calling him jacob. i love you and i'm proud of you!

clw said...

Wow. Your perspective is amazing.

I spent three years feeling like I didn't belong (i.e. teaching). Now that I'm where I belong, my life has flipped upside down. We are so much happier now and life is so good. I hope that you will be able to stay home with your babies next year. There's nothing quite like being in the place where you belong. But good for you for having such a great attitude in spite of your circumstances. Know what? You're inspiring, that's what.

ree said...

That is amazing, crys.
Thank you for being an incredible example...not just to your students...

seph said...

"everything to His glory," indeed! i love your insight. isn't it nice when the Lord gives us that perspective? things are so unsure, but He is the one who will be glorified when it all turns out in a perfect tapestry of miraculous wonder. what a beautiful thread you've been in charge of weaving.

and you SO do not have to start calling him jacob!

i love you. you're doing great.

marme said...

our babies are always our babies...always. that's why I call all of you...baby. And they can sit in your lap when they're thirty!

Chris said...

You are brave by CHOOSING to smile and look at the good things even through your circumstances. This year will go by fast and as soon as you know it you will be able to follow your hearts desires. I know God will bless you this school year. And I will be happy for you getting to transition to being home.

Mari said...

I'm so glad there are teachers like you. It gives me a peace about one day sending my babies off to school!