conviction

wow! i just typed half a post and deleted the whole thing...on purpose. i started writing and was then lead in a whole new direction and started babbling.

here's the real post.

with all this sickness lately, i've been so convicted.

i feel like anytime we go to the doctor or have an antibiotic, i'm being knocked down with the thought, "don't you think our God is big enough to take care of this?".

of course i do!

but man, it's hard when it's my babies.

i want to use every possible resource i can to get them better.

is that wrong??

we're going to an ear, nose, and throat doctor today for casen to discuss possible tubes.

i'm somewhat relieved because i want him to finally have some relief.

we're on our third round of antibiotics since the beginning of january, and nothing has worked yet.

of course i've prayed for him.

but am i not doing it with a whole heart?

is that why he's still suffering?

is it wrong for me to seek relief in doctors?

of course it's not. people do it all the time.

then why am i having such a hard time with it??

guilty

as most of you know, my boys are sick.

jacob officially has asthma. we're on another steroid and will soon begin breathing treatments specifically for asthma.

casen has yet another ear infection. he is also currently wheezing like nobody's business, along with coughing.

so why guilty?

some diagnoses are pretty clear to see, and we accept them, take medicine, get better, and move on. for instance, the ear infection. clearly the doctor sees something in my little boy's ears to indicate an infection.

asthma...not so clear. is it a fluke thing, or will this continue indefinitely? how is this conclusion reached? is it determined by a child being sick constantly with the same thing which automatically points to asthma?

not sure.

what i am sure of is i was just happy to finally know what is making my baby suffer so much, that i accepted the asthma diagnosis and the possibility that we could be dealing with this for years.

my point, you ask?

the other day, in my daily reading, i was reading about isaac and rebekah.

most know the story. isaac married rebekah. she was barren. but they prayed and God delivered. they were blessed with jacob and esau.

the thing about the story that i never really payed attention to, and the connection to this blog, is that isaac married rebekah when he was 40 years old. jacob and esau were not born until he was 60 years old.

it says that isaac prayed hard to God for his wife because she was barren. God answered his prayer and rebekah became pregnant.

this means that isaac prayed for 20 years! he did not accept that rebekah was barren. he knew our God was bigger than that. he prayed...and prayed...and prayed. God answered.

of course, i pray for my babies when they're sick. but i'm guilty of getting a diagnosis and accepting it...thinking that the medicine will heal them.

i know our God is bigger. He is the healer.

i will not accept this diagnosis for my son. i will continue to pray believing that God will answer...in His time.

update

it's official...jacob has been diagnosed with asthma.

and...casen has another horrible ear infection. tubes could be in our future.

super bowl xliii

two super bowl squares - $10
one super bowl food spread - $30
one trip to the emergency room during the super bowl - $100

being able to take my baby home after being stuck three times with a needle, given a breathing treament, and having a chest x-ray - priceless

yep. that's where we were for most of the super bowl.

jacob was coughing horribly all day yesterday. sometime around six o'clock, he started having trouble breathing and just looked awful. so we took him in.

this is the second time we've been to the er with him since he was born. this time was almost equally as bad as the last.

they gave him a breathing treatment...we had already given him four earlier in the day with no relief.

they then decided he needed an iv to get a steroid through. the nurse came in and stuck him twice with no luck. the whole time she was telling him to try not to move.

you're sticking a three-year old with a needle and torturing him and all the while telling him to stay still?? are you kidding me?! i could have strangled her!

someone else came in and immediately got a vein.

frustrating!

then they took a chest x-ray. it pretty much showed the same thing as the one we had done a month ago, except instead of having gunk in his upper right lung, it's now in the lower left.

wonderful.

diagnosis: bronchiolitis.
treatment: another steroid and more breathing treatments.
follow-up: see dr. wehner today.

to top it all off, casen has just started coughing and has green snot!

seriously, will it ever end?!?!