Wednesday, April 18, 2007

sad moment

this morning, i get up late, as i usually do. i follow my normal routine to get ready. i get dressed quickly, gather my things for school, and wake jacob up to dress him.

as he's waking up in our bed (he waited until 5:30 this morning), he stretches really hard and i swear he grew an inch or two. he looked so big.

it's been hitting me lately that one day he will grow up. one day he will go to school. one day he will graduate. one day he will bring a girl home. one day he will get married. one day he will have his own child.

quite frankly, it scares me.

i've begun to worry about him as he grows older. what will his life be like? will he be smart, popular, funny...will he follow Jesus...will he respect his parents?

and then there's the sad thoughts...

how can i protect him from everything bad? i know it's not possible, but as i listen to the heartbreaking story of the virginia tech incident, i can't get it out of my mind. what if something happened to him? what if one day i get a call? i can't imagine the pain they are going through.

i know i must trust the promise that our God will never put him through anything he cannot handle. yes, he will make his own choices, just as i did. i just hope that we will raise him well enough that those decisions will always reflect his love for Jesus.

wow! as i'm reading, this was totally not the direction i intended to go when i began this post.

after i got jacob ready this morning, we went out the door as we always do...

only today was not like every other day. today is april 18...the day after tax season. today, i would not take my little boy to daycare as i have for the past four months. today, jerry would leave with him and i would go to work.

i was so sad. jerry put him in his truck and i went to say goodbye. i asked for a kiss and he gladly gave one away. i told him i loved him and as i always do i asked him to say it back, not expecting anything to come of it.

but then, out of his mouth...

"i love you, momma."

my eyes welled up with tears. trying to hold them in, i quickly told jerry bye and got in my car and drove to work.


kj said...

if that child didn't have the sweetest voice in the world, it might not be so hard.

don't worry, 29 days and you can take him to daycare during the summer. just 29 days...

seph said...

you made me cry. i cannot imagine the day i will hear ellie said, "i love you, momma." and all those things you said about worrying about him and the way his life will go -- i am SO right there. it's pretty much all-consuming. it's just a dull ache that is always present. i never knew what "praying without ceasing" was before i had a baby!