growing up

does my child not look gigantic here?

this picture makes me think of some teenage boy. it makes me sad.

oh, how i am so totally and utterly AMAZED!

in case you haven't read my blog in the last 24 hours, read this first then come back for the update.

so here's the whole story...

i'm a little ashamed to admit that i didn't divulge every detail of the situation in my previous post. i was still a little scared about putting it all out there.

not...any...more!

for the past two sundays, i've had major meltdowns during worship. i've just been so frustrated and upset and mad and tired and just plain lacking. so much so that two sundays ago, i turned to greet sheena. she simply asked, "how are the boys?" and that's all it took. tears flowed like a raging rain storm.

this sunday, as lennon was giving his "ask big" pre-sermon, i just broke down again. i knew i had asked God to makes my boys better before, but i also knew that i never really believed it would happen. those things happen in others' lives. not mine.

but this time...this time i put it all on the line. i asked God to fully heal them. not just for now, but forever. now, i don't expect them to never be sick again, but a cold...i can handle that. i'm talking about this ridiculous, recurring asthma/ear infection junk. take it. take it for good. and then i went even further. i asked that it not be somewhere down the road. i want it today (monday).

you see, i knew casen had a check up with his ear, nose and throat doctor today to evaluate his tubes that we had put in just about a year ago this week. i asked that our answer come then. no more wondering. no more waiting. now.

i left work about 3:50. his appointment was at 3:45. i knew they'd have to wait a little while. i went fully expecting to hear a word from God. a word that said your son is healed.

we finally get in to see the doc about 4:15. we explain that casen has still had at least 8 infections since getting his tubes last year. the doc was surprised.

with tubes, it's supposed to reduce ear infections to maybe one, if any after they're put in. certainly not 8. one of the tubes is getting ready to fall out.

the doc comes back with, i think we should take his adenoids out.

never in this time have i had any sense of panic or fear. i have total peace.

apparently, the adenoids can be kinda like a nest for infections. by removing them, not only should the infections cease, but with casen having asthma, those symptoms should improve dramatically, if not go away completely.

peace. complete, overwhelming peace.

this was our word. this was our amazing work from God.

is it the way we would've dreamed it? no. i'd much rather just have a miraculous healing and be done. but i'll take it.

God gave us doctors for a reason. in this case, this doctor will be the vessel in which my baby boy is healed.

so, on april 1, my baby will undergo another minor surgery. they'll take his adenoids and possibly replace the tubes with another set. this will be the answer.

obviously, this only takes care of one of my babies. but i know that He has amazing things in store for the other one too.

i know, that i know, that i know, this is it.

in less than a day, God has proven himself amazing.

simply amazing.

Lord, I'm amazed by You.

this morning in church, lennon made it a point to say, "are you? are you amazed by Him?" how many times to do we sing this song just to sing? do we really mean it?

of course i mean it. of course i do...in reference to other people's lives. has God done wonderful things in my life? yes! has it been something that i sit back and say, "wow! that was amazing! that was God!" not really.

i know this is sounding a little harsh. it's not meant to be. the truth is, i've never had any issues that have really required an amazing move from God. my life following Him has been pretty smooth.

until now.

now, it's no longer about me. now, i have a husband. now, i have kids. now, i have unsaved family members. now, i have people i come in contact with everyday who do not know Him.

i KNOW Him. i KNOW He's amazing. i KNOW He performs miracles. i KNOW He is willing and capable.

all of this why?

because now i'm in need of something amazing. i NEED an amazing work from God.

i'm asking that my children be healed. totally, completely, never again returning, healed.

lennon said that so many times, our faith is so lacking that we don't "ask big". you have no idea how true that is for me. i "ask safe". God, in your time, heal them. in your time, let this happen. in your time, if it is your will, let this happen. this way, when it doesn't happen right away, i can either say, "it's not His time right now." or "it's not His will right now." either way, i've been answered.

why? because God has performed miracles in others' lives. He's healed. He's restored. He's saved.

i've never required this.

until now.

i've been struggling lately with not being strong enough. with people seeing me dealing with my sick babies and not handling it well. with people thinking, "man, she's a christian. she follows God. yet look how stressed she is. look how much she has to deal with. why would i want that?"

i don't want that anymore. i want people to look at me and think, "look how awesome her life is. no matter what happens, she KNOWS God is in control. she's following Him and He's performing miracles in her life. i WANT what she has. i want Him." i now fully understand that i'm not meant to be strong all of the time...but He is. when i'm not, He is. and that's okay. He's waiting for me to say, "i NEED you." i need you. He can be strong for me. that's what i want others to see. even though i'm not enough, He is.

so i'm asking...no, i'm believing healing will come. i've dropped my safety net. i'm stepping over my pride. i'm putting every ounce of faith i have out there.

MY God, the Alpha and the Omega, the All Knowing, the One, the Savior, the Comforter, the Redeemer, the Healer...His next amazing work is in MY children.

in Jesus name.

happy birthday, casen!